


Anatomy of A Miracle

by silasfinch



Category: Saving Hope (TV)
Genre: Character Turned Into a Ghost, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Major Illness, Recovery, Virus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 21:04:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17050547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: Sydney Katz struggles to live and contemplate the anatomy of miracles and loving Dr. Maggie Lin





	Anatomy of A Miracle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [0mniessence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/0mniessence/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Ghost Of You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16970193) by [0mniessence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/0mniessence/pseuds/0mniessence). 



> 0mniessence gifted me a beautiful work. I couldn’t resist writing a sequel

* * *

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child—our own two eyes. All is a miracle. Thích Nhất Hạnh Vietnamese Buddhist Monk

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,  
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,  
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight  
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.  
And you, my father, there on the sad height,  
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.  
Do not go gentle into that good night.  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Dylan Thomas Welsh Poet

 

  
Dr Sydney Katz has survived the first 72 hours.

This profound fact is just about the only positive thing about this current situation. The airborne disease is wreaking predictable havoc with an already system. Syd's organs are under increasing stress and the limit interventions the Canadian CDC can do while Hope Zion faces indefinite quarantine are just barely keeping her stable.

Maggie got into medicine to avoid this precise feeling of powerlessness. First a daughter and then as a geek who couldn't use science to save her family pets. During the hardest parts of Harvard and residency, Maggie still felt like she was being useful and playing a productive role, even if it was just taking histories and doing menial grunt work. She didn't do well on the side lines, and the inactivity is making her hands itch to break down the barriers to Syd. They aren't even allowing a token review of the charts somehow the new title of doctor does not over any privilege in this particular situation. The fact Maggie can't stop shaking doesn't help her argument.

Dr Lin resorts to counting the titles in the makeshift headquarters of the outbreak containment team and offering to cover the general patients who aren't within the quarantine zone.

"I am not above force feeding you and getting Charlie to write a script for Zopiclone. You're talented Lin, but you can't bend the laws of diagnosis and incubation."

Somehow Alex Reed manages to look intimating in casual track pants and a maternity shirt. The smell of homemade soup and bread does tempt Maggie's flagging appetite.

"Her body can't take much more - the disease isn't progressing like the others on the Malaysian flight or the reports from the Redcross. Her lesions are ulcerating fast, but her ARDS process is stable. It's manifesting like atypical flu. How are they still so clueless about the primary source of the infection? Why is Syd exceptional in this as well?"

"Sydney collapsed within a quarantine zone no better place to manifest an unknown condition.

Even though they are said to comfort Alex's words sting, Maggie can't escape the image of Syd suffering from a condition nobody could isolate. Her beautiful eyes clouded in pain and confusion both in the real world and whatever spirit was hovering near the scene.

Maggie wishes she could reach either versions. This vigil is of limit comfort when she is denied the simple comfort of touch.

 

  
***

Maggie is not on any official list.

The hospital is operating far from standard capacity, but protocols exist for a reason and cannot weaken under the strain of the unusual even if every doctor she passes is treating her with an odd reverence. Does she have an 'I love Sydney Katz" sign or something? If so it is a pity the woman in question couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge the fact.

In place of anything useful to occupy her time Maggie completes a backlog of paperwork and begins the reading for articles, Syd wants to write together. The science and language of fetal medicine is comfort at a time like this when there are so many unknown.

Dr Lin finds herself reading about Kosher recipes and the best meals to start with if you are a novice. There are whole websites dedicated to the topic, and she finds herself subscribing to Youtube channels. Syd will need plenty of feeding when she gets better; the other woman does not prioritise her health.

Oddly she treats the cue cards Syd gave her as some form of security blanket. There is something about the neat stack filled with hand-drawn diagrams and notes; The best ways have comments meant directly for her indicated by "DML' initials.

Maggie feels like a stalker, but she sleeps in an oversized sweatshirt that Syd left behind after one of their marathon gaming sessions. The fabric still smells like the other doctor. She treasures the two books Maggie gave her when she graduated, a beautiful note inside. Instead of a bookmark, there is a strip of cheap photographs from the local carnival.

 

***

  
The Katz still love their shunned family member.

The immediate family shows up within half an hour of the phone call, pale and drawn. Maggie looks for signs of the people that are so willing to shun a child, but they look like every worried family to pass through these doors. Mrs Katz is wringing her hands nervously, eyes red with tears. Maggie is waiting for them to mention the curse or tapeworm with a mixture of trepidation and fury. It's probably a good thing that nobody attached to Hope Zion is overseeing treatment. However, Syd's father signs the consents forms without a word of protest or Rabbi interference.

"Is my daughter in pain, doctor?"

"It is difficult to asses her level of awareness, but we are doing everything possible to keep her comfortable."

"Sydney will hate being on display like this at her hospital - please be respectful" Mrs Katz's voice held concern without a trace of condemnation.

In a surprising move, Dawn crouches down some that she is eye level with the tiny woman, sky-high heels cracking under the strange angle.

"We hate having Dr Katz in this vulnerable position at Hope Zion, maintaining her dignity is a priority. I will personally fire any staff member you breathe a word or takes a single picture" Dawn sounds wistful and its possible she is thinking of her drug-addicted daughter.

  
"You are the one aren't you?"

Becca Freeman is waiting for Maggie as she enters the family space in the still isolated ward. It almost makes the doctor smile to see how much the Katz sisters resemble each other, especially when they want to know something or feel out of the loop.

Sydney confides that her sister and brother in law are struggling with miscarriages and infertility. The difficulties are plain to see in how the younger woman carries herself. She sits glaring at the monitor to Syd's room as if she can wrestle the illness like a daemon.

"I'm Dr Maggie Lin - Syd is my colleague and friend," Maggie says truthfully.

"Oh, I know you are, Dr Lin. My sister thinks you wove the universe together singlehandedly." the words aren't complimentary in the slights.

"Syd is a great teacher."

"Did you encourage her to 'find herself' and in the process destroy our family?"

" I supported your sister through a difficult time in her life" Maggie offers carefully trying to keep her voice natural and flight natural defensive " I know that she agonised over her decision to come out and how it may influence your family. Ultimately living a lie and hurting Hershel was a deciding factor."

"Personal truth is a luxury..."

Maggie saved from another lecture by the arrival of the CDC representative for the daily update; she can tell that nothing has changed from the way the woman is moving, without the urgency of the progress of the slowness of defeat. Its one of those subconscious lessons you learn in med school, how to read your fellow doctors.

It’s a relief because whatever declaration of love she wants to offer will not find an appreciative audience here. Besides the Katz family is under enough stress without having to waste energy condemning her corrupting influence.

  
***

An unspoken truce makes the next days almost bearable.

Syd's parents allow her to stay and hear the medical brief occasionally asking her to translate. The precise nature of their relationship is the elephant in the room, which is small mercy because Maggie has nothing to say. This family isn't wrong nor do they wish Sydney to suffer. The problem lies in how the Jewish community defines acceptable parameters for happiness.

Nobody objects when she offers to clean Syd's apartment and water the plants. There is a cat to consider that splits his time between the young doctor and the devoted elderly couple next door.

Nobody protests when she offers to answer Syd's work email and correspondence; knowing that e Dr Katz will loathe a full inbox. It makes Maggie smile to see that there is a folder for 'Dr. M Lin"

Nobody says a word when she offers to contact relatives in Israel to explain the situation. Somehow using the technical words and observations is more comfortable than thinking about the woman lying unconscious in the bed.

Maggie knows that there isn't going to be a magical awakening with Syd proclaiming her love and bouncing back to health in a few short weeks. Any potential recovery, let alone a relationship, is a long and protracted process. At a bare minimum, Syd's respiratory system will require hours of reconditioning. The journey is worth it even if they are nothing more than friendly colleagues in years to come. This willingness to sacrifice for no other reason than to promote happiness and wellness defines genuine love.

Maggie wishes the senior Dr Lin lived to hear his daughters observations on the matter. He would approve of Syd and their relationship, she knows this in her bones. Her twin is a poor substitute in this narrative.

  
***

Maggie has too much medical training to take these current improvements at face value. The thing that gives her a slim spark of hope is that Syd isn't following the same path as her patient. Her lungs aren't under quite as much strain, and the suction offers some relief. Nobody mentions that miracles can happy in degrees and ambiguous signs. Maggie has taken to reading the Torah late at night - trying to understand the faith that sustains the woman she loves.

The burning rash, so stark on her pale skin, is not progressing to secondary infections and the particularly inflamed ones on her arm and leg are not spreading any more. Maggie winces at every wound reopening, but Sy'd team gently as possible.

Syd's lungs aren't rattling with every breath - the fluid isn't pooling quite so destructively. Pleurisy is shaking the chest, but so far there aren't any secondary markers.

Her fever is raging and a worrying sign in and of itself. Sweat coats the clothes and sheets. Night sweats leave Syd trembling so violently she needs gently restrain from the nurses.

Sydney's liver and kidneys are functioning well, but they won't tolerate incubation and catheters identifiably. Maggie prays to a God that she doesn't believe in to avoid systemic organ failure.

The most helpful sign is the most difficult to describe. Syd does not look to be in such pain and discomfort. Her brows aren't permanently knitted in a frown. There is an almost regular rhythm to her breathing; most unconscious patients have their language of micro-expressions, reading them is familiar after volunteering for years in hospices. Maggie never expects to use these skills on a person she loves.

 

***

"I suppose it’s fitting I die at my own teaching hospital with a psychic orthopaedic surgeon for my sole company. It’s a step up from an Ayin Hara but not by much"

"I am pleased that you are still here, Syd. You aren't dead just yet."

It is a hit and miss type scenario for whatever reasons some ghosts fought harder to stay than others. Charlie wasn't sure where this cantankerous woman would choose. She certainly disapproves of his usual words of comfort and reassurance. In a look reminiscent Alex she demands to know the practicalities of the situation and how she can gain some level of control back. He can see why Maggie fell for this woman and why families fly from all over the country and continent to hoping for a medical miracle.

"I can't believe we had an entire conversation, joking about that stupid game Operations and how proud I made her, what a joke of cosmic timing." Often people get stuck in a loop about their final minutes alive.

"You know better than most the mind-body-soul connection. There isn't a rational explanation. For what its worth Maggie isn't the only person to think you are brave." Charlie protests gently while wishing, not for the first time, that he could touch his ethereal visitors.

"Unfortunately you aren't in a position to offer my absolution, Dr Harris. I come from a long line of people who are experts at assigning blame."

"No, but I can be your friend" Charlie offers softly as they watch efforts in the physical world.

The statement seems to satisfy his newest charge and she is content to sit with him for a while and loose some of that frantic energy that defines her both in life and on this plane. Her sharp eyes stay focused on the emergency at the hospital and Charlie feels certain Sydney is running a mental list of everything she would do differently if given the chance. Apparently she approves of Dawn and Dana’s handling of the administrative side of the affair and the careful handling of her parents with their many unscientific questions. The debates the causes of the outbreak with the specialists even though they can’t hear a word. By some unknown process a young register seems to absorb the ideas and Charlie wonders if he is other person who can break through the barriers. He makes a mental note to follow up with him at the next M&M meeting, which will be brutal with all these deaths to consider.

Sydney Katz will not be on that list. Charlie doesn’t believe in a formalised religion but his unwanted role as a medium to the newly dead and dying gives him a fresh perspective and a faith in a higher plane of understanding.

***

Doctors make the worse ghosts.

Fortunately, Dr Charlie Harris does not have a large sample size to draw from, but each of the ghostly doctors leaves a distinct impression, struggling to reconcile this strange afterlife and the hectic science of medicine. He remembers the feeling well but has no words of comfort to offer, especially not for this devout Jewish prodigy who half believes she is operating under a curse. Her faith is remarkable to behold but frustrating when he is trying to get Sydney Katz to prioritise her life.

"Are you strong enough to continue the third round, Syd? I need you to focus here."

"The Shama babies are due over the weekend, who is looking after them? "

Charlie quickly relies that the only way to keep her sustained focus is to read up on the field of his- risk foetal medicine. He starts rumbling around Luke if all else fails, Maggie and babies seem to anchor her in time and place if only fleetingly.

"Hope Zion runs an excellent department under your guidance. The L&W is far enough away that the CDC is allowing staff to either transfer or stabilise patients. Shiloh is splitting your caseload for any major surgeries. Now are you strong enough for the next treatment, this is very important."

"I want to live."

For the first time in days, the younger woman doesn't sound uncertain about this profound fact or disappointed by the departure from the familiar afterlife script of her childhood. It's not the medical analysis that Charlie is foolishly hoping for but they are running out of time to intervene, and there are things he can tell from what spirit Sydney is saying and how she is acting. Its far from ideal but its better than the alternative.

  
***

"She needs to go home."

"That it is is not going to happen."

  
Maggie Lin, the doctor in question, is taking what she considers a break from the hospital vigil, sitting in the local Synagogue which is in jogging distance from the hospital. This Reformist centre isn't one Syd is that familiar with, but perhaps it will be in the future if current circumstances change. The female Rabbi is comforting to this non-Jewish woman who is so clearly in pain, which makes Syd profoundly grateful.

"She is due for another placement soon" Syd continues irritated that concepts like exact time no longer have meaning.

"The world doesn't exist beyond your welfare, Sydney - trust me I know what I'm talking about."

It is quite remarkable watching Dr Charlie Harris operate his other role as hospital medium in stealth, responding to her questions and comments in between earthly commitments and conversation. In the 'real world' Syd barely knew the man, but she is coming to respect him more on this plane, even if he refuses to enter into a debate about the spiritual awareness of babies.

Charlie and Zach spent the first week of her convalescence in quarantine with her but for some, as yet unknown reason, the two men remain asymptomatic. They are on a preventive protocol and are getting daily reviews but can leave the hospital grounds.

Right now Alex sends him to tell Maggie that there are *possible* signs of improvement and that Syd's team want to reduce the sedation.

Sydney desperately wants to reach out when Maggie turns around; there is a long of genuine terror on her face, tears making silent tracks down pale cheeks. If she is ever given the chance the Jewish doctor resolves to do two things 1) express more compassion to patient families b) beg Maggie for forgiveness.

"Sydney is wagging up Maggie - we thought you would want to be there" Charlie explains with a blinding grin.

A detached part of 'Ghost Sydney' wonders what this proclamation means for her and what a possible resurrection will feel like in person, somehow she thinks it is unlikely this experience will make it into any of the Jewish Medicine journals and blogs she subscribes to. This reality is a shame considering the debate such a commentary would generate.

***

Waking up is a violent and painful act.; just not in the physical sense.

Ghost Sydney watches in almost clinical fascination as her bodies vital signs spike sharply; it isn't like in fiction when loved ones a jolted awake by human sounds replace machines. The infectious disease specialists have noticed subtle signs of improvement in the last eight rounds of observations, but they are moving cautiously before declaring the 'Hail Mary' intervention protocols a success, not with a national media and teams of doctors waiting outside. Syd feels a corresponding pull towards the emaciated form on the bed, no longer willing or able to 'find' people and in particular Charlie Harris like a beacon.

Reentering her body is as disconcerting as leaving it. One minute Syd is watching orderly effects to resuscitate her and then she is feeling every jarring sensation. Her body screamed with a litany of pain and malfunction, chest and throat were burning and every effort to move send fire along over-stimulated nerves. The dim lights are agony on the senses and opening her eyes feels like a Herculean effort. Gentle hands were trying to prevent her from moving, Sydney feels a surge of irritation at the intrusion, she has a right to move even if her muscles are only responding to half her commands at best. Whoever doctor is sounds way too authoritative and demanding.

"Easy Dr Katz, let us do the work for you. Your body has been through an ordeal and needed to come back online in stages. Doctors truly do push the limits of the recovery process, don't they?"

Sydney responses to the lilting Hebrew rather than the words themselves. The redhaired doctor struggles to bring the face standing at her beside into focus even though his features are indistinct under the protective gear. There is something familiar about the lanky frame, smiling brown eyes and distinctive French-Canadian Hebrew.

As she endures the indignity of removing the ventilation tube and the memory orientation tests the memories come back in fragments. The Chinese at Christmas, joking with the other doctors on staff. The clearest memory is the desperate struggle to save Mara and her son. Maggie floats in and out of the picture, but that's nothing new, the upstart former student her thoughts on a regular basis. Why does she think about the game Operation and fake surgeries?

"Do I know you?" she crocks out her throat protesting every syllable.

"Shamal Erickson. We met briefly during a Médecins Sans Frontières rotation. I'm one of the medical team overseeing the situation at Hope Zion. It's wonderful to see you awake, Sydney. Your body was under tremendous strain in the last few weeks, but the ancestors would be proud of your Hutspâ."

"How is Mara's baby? and the other patients?"

Sydney is tormented by a horrible vision of being something like an accidental 'patient zero' with the frantic efforts to intervene before the disease progressed. The people in the ER and hospital, in general, are especially vulnerable not to mention her little charges on the ward.

"The outbreak is contained and thanks to you and Drs. Miller and Harris, we have an effective possible treatment protocol. The baby and people within the quarantine are responding well. The Malaysian flight transported a strain we haven't seen before, but it bears all the markings of an antibiotic-resistant 'superbug' fortunately Immunologists are dedicating their careers to finding unique and responsive combinations."

"Your next medical journal appearance may take a different form."

Syd extends the effort to roll her head sideways at the familiar joking tone. Its impossible to mistake the tall figure despite Maggie looking almost comical in the large protective suit. She is struggling to distinguish between the ghostly plane and reality. There can be no doubt that Sydney Katz is inhabiting a disease-ridden physical body, but everybody else is open to interpretation.

"Maggie"

The tears come as the other woman moves closer reaching out and tenderly clasping the hand that isn't bruised and swollen from multiple lure lines. Pale skin is a living testament to the last few weeks. She is going to be wearing long shirts and skirts for a while. Syd flights the irrational impulse to shrink away, feeling overly exposed in front of the dazzling woman. Maggie reads her mind and traces soothing patterns on her wrist, an oddly intimate gesture even though they were in public. The touch is familiar even through the thick latex gloves.

"I almost lost you, Syd."

Syd wishes that she had the strength to wipe away the tears forming behind protective goggles. Maggie Lin will always be beautiful to her but frankly, hours pacing outside a contamination zone doesn't do anybody favours.

"I wanted to live. Olam Haba has nothing for me yet. My tormented soul longed to see you again."

The words may seem like romantic sentimentality, but Sydney means it as a simple statement of earnest fact. Her chance at life leaves no room for the ambiguity that plagues their potential relationship. The glim into Charlie's world went Dr Sydney Katz few certainties in life, but a desire to make this woman happy is one of them.

"Well then, you better take me out to dinner when you can handle more than ice chips" Maggie jokes as she gently moistens dry, cracked and bleeding lips.

"Anywhere but Crab Shake" Sydney agrees

 

 

 


End file.
